Hello Sadness My Old Friend

It's really crazy of me to think that I can write on this blog and write about something other than missing my dog.  I miss him terribly. I feel something similar to guilt, but not quite guilt.  It's indescribable really, but I'll try.  I know that Murray was suffering, I know that Murray couldn't walk anymore, I know that he would hang on to the very end.  I wasn't sure what "the very end" meant, but now I know that I wonder if I should have left him alone.  Let him die his way.



 People are way too uptight about animals and the mess that they sometimes inevitably make. Since I am such an animal lover I should just let myself accept that I'm not conventional about a lot of things.





 But I guess everyone likes to fit in.  (Now don't get me wrong, I love living in a beautiful home that shines with taste and attention.) Still, Murray couldn't get up anymore, needed help just going out to the yard, had to have his food delivered to him...and his water.  Still for God's sake, I wonder if I just should have let nature take it's course.  That is the most difficult part about playing God. I really wonder how God feels when people die. I certainly don't think God is the 'author' of death by any means.



The days are just empty and the sadness, although it really isn't overwhelming, is still a guest in my home.  Sadness, just sitting in the empy spot where my boy used to lie.  You know, the night before he died I thought I saw a scorpian crawling towards him, and then under his bed......now I'm not so sure if it wasn't just a sign.  I mean I don't think I'll ever see another one in my home again.  It's just my gut and honestly, my gut has NEVER been wrong. 

It's a relief knowing that I don't have to worry about Murray's pain, feel bad that he wasn't able to climb the steps to be with us at night, and then the guilt that I always felt when I took Lexy for a walk and he wasn't able to go.  But the sadness?  I'm not so sure it will ever go away, I'll just learn to live with it.