The Clubs

Okay, this is going to be a controversial subject.  But here goes.  My father was Jew and my mother Catholic...and me? Confused to say the least.  I got "saved" during the Jesus movement but always felt an affinitiy to the Jewish side of me.  I always felt that if Hitler were alive today I would be among the first in line to go to the camps because of my dad being Jewish.  When I married a Jewish man, I was made aware of the fact that indeed, I am not Jewish because my mother was not Jew. 




I always felt like the nuns at my Catholic grade school didn't like me because my dad was Jewish.  And indeed, they really didn't like me for whatever reason.  Now, all these years later, I am looking at the whole thing in a much different way.  Any religion or organization that says you can't be member bothers me.  I never really felt like I belonged  because of my background.  I know now that it's okay to feel like you just don't fit in anywhere.  But, when you see that there are 'clubs' where people feel most comfortable and you just don't fit in,....well..that's sad and not very comforting.  Yet I've learned to live with this "dis-ease" however imperfectly.  . 



My husband is a full fledged Jew.  I never fit in with his 'club'.  Although he likes to say he doesn't belong; he does, and always will.  In the meantime..I'm just sort of going with the flow and being aware that I'm human...and the human club is very, very large. Whether you want to be a member or not, you are.  And that's why I like Jesus so much.  That was his message...the human message of living in an imperfect world emotionally, psychologicially, and ethnically....we're all a member of the human race whether we want to admit it or not.  That's the equality of life.

So be it....have a great time in your human-ness.

Daughter

Today is my daughter's 34th birthday.  Thirty four years ago, I was in the hospital and had been in labor for about ten hours already.  My due date July 25th and all the nurses kept telling me "any time now."  Yeah right.....It wasnt' until 10:30 that my daughter would be able to take her first breath air in this world.  In those days, no one knew if they would have a boy or a girl so I had the nursery  decorated in yellow and white and unfortunately a tiny bit of brown because the carpet had brown in it. In any case, it was a sunny room waiting for this new addition to our marriage. I want to say family, but we didn't feel like a family yet.  There was a scripture that had been on my mind about a three fold cord is difficult to break.  Thirty four years later it still rings true.

By about 10p.m. on July 24th I was in the hospital in labor.  My husband patiently sat with me trying his best to help me with Lamaze and make me as comfortable as possible.  At 10 0'clock the 25th, after pushing as hard as I was able, the doctor decided to do a C-section.  Little did I know that my baby was stuck in my pelvis and was trying to get out but couldn't make it; her life was in danger.  Also in those days you were knocked out and your husband wasn't allowed in the operating room.

I'm not sure what time they wheeled me to my room, but as they were, they brought this tiny, perfect, porcelain baby girl in what appeared to be a glass fish aqarium to my bedside.  She was lying on her side with her eyes as wide open as if she had them open like that for the last nine months. Her hair was thick and her eyes looked black as coal, her skin white as cotton....and her tiny little mouth, her tiny little lips indeed, looked just like a miniture rose bud.  I can't describe to you the love that hit me.  It was like this thing that had been around for centuries and now it was covering me inside and out.  Almost like a baptisim.  I had never experienced it before and now it was me. I knew in my mind this love existed, but now I knew in my heart and soul.  And of course I cried.  I wasn't able to talk to her then, but our eyes did. 
Our eyes communicate.  I'm hoping she understood.


Besides her own mommy, she had so many people that adored her.  Her Granny Jo lived next door for quite awhile.  She would always go play at her house. Granny Jo loved having her so close!  Her grandmother thought she was the most beautiful girl, inside and out, in the world. 

It's still disapointing to me that I had a C-Section.  I should have taken her in my arms immediately and talked to her. Babies know when that bonding occurs.  I was there for my grandson's birth and I was the first one in this life to actually speak to him, not at him.  I know that he knew...it definately was a bonding. I only pray that Shauna, my new baby girl, had God's miracle on her and she understood what my eyes were saying to her. I don't think most people realize that babies intuitively know when they are being loved and what affect that has upon them for the rest of their lives.

Now, thirty four years later and I truly can't believe how fast it's gone.  Seriously!!!



Now, my baby girl has babies of her own.  Unbelievable. 







So, to my girl Shauna, I love you and always will...for eternity! 

"And still it's from her that you learned that whatever she has chosen to become, you'll still feel proud of her simply because she has the key to your heart forever. "
Author: unknown"And still it's from her that you learned that whatever she has chosen to become, you'll still feel proud of her simply because she has the key to your heart forever. "
Author: unknown

Satisfiaction in a job well done....

So, today was a day off from work.  My daughter has been away for almost three weeks so I went to her home to clean and make sure it welcomed her back in a shining way.  I must say I did WELL.  She has a beautiful home with many beautiful things.  I LOVE beautiful things.  Although she cleaned before she left..her husband did live there for a week before he joined his lovely little fam in KC. That means he lived there...And there was also yet another dust storm in this lovely city of mine...meaning more cleaning up what seems like drywall dust everywhere.  I love doing what I did today.  When I used to go away I always wished someone would do what I did for my daughter.  It felt so good to know that she will come home and sigh a sigh of relief.  I even did the laundry and put it away.  The garage, the laundry room...check. 



I am a obsessed with getting good deals.  My stylish little girl told me that what her large master bedroom needed was a chaise lounge.  Sooooo....while strolling through Goodwill (which I do on a weekly basis.) I saw this 1950's Hollywood glam chaise. It is beautiful.  I didn't have $130.  to spend on this so I waited it out unitl half price Saturday when I arrived an hour and fifteen minutes before opening just to make sure I would get it...and lo and behold, I got it for half price.  NICE!  I was able to carry it to her bedroom so that when she gets home she'll be able to lie in it when the kids are too much energy...She can go to her lovely master, shut the door and relax.  Not that she really will...but hey, it'll be there if she chooses.


Although this is not the original..it's a whole lot like it.

It's late now and I'm okay to sleep in tomorrow as it's another day off.  Even though the hours that I work are a little crazy, they afford me time to sleep in if I have a late night...and I am a night person after all.  There is nothing so satisfying as doing something wonderful for someone you love.  It's so fullfilling. 

I'm very fortunate to have my daughter, her husband and my grandkids literally just around the corner...I must say though, I miss my son.  I would love to do wonderful things for him and because he lives so far away, I'm not able to do what I'd like for him.  Oh well...maybe someday?

Life is interesting to say the least.  Okay, off the subject just a little, but I'm watching my budget....meaning I can't just spend money like water.  I needed a kitty litter and really wanted the hooded kind with the charcoal flter.  I decided to settle for just the square, plastic kind at the grocery store for $3.50.  Okay..whatever.  So, when I went to the half price sale at Goodwill..there it was, a new, hooded,charcoal filter kitty litter...with two brand new scoops for only $5.  A God thing?  I believe so.


Well..that's it for tonight...no deep thoughts, just a great feeling of getting a lot done and feeling satisfied with a day's work....night all....

Morning Stillness

I got up early this morning to take my wonderful son in law to the airport to be reunited with his family who are visiting in Kansas City.  (What one will do for love of family!)  Yep, really early...like around 4 a.m.  And...did I mention that I woke up early???  I worked until 10 last night so I got to bed a little before midnight.  However, there is something beautiful about late nights and early mornings. 


This time of day, as the sun rises is the 'in between' time. 


The time where, I believe, there is this thin haze between here and there.  It's a place where time sort of stops and the moments are all that exist and who knows what happens in those moments?



 It's where loved ones memories are present, God's love seems closer and it's a place where it feels almost anything can happen; anything peaceful that is.  It's a place of peace and calm.




 At least that's how it is for me, right now.

I have experienced other 'moments' in these times....moments that are just the opposite of the above description.  They were moments of despair, hopelessness and incredible pain.






  I guess it's those times that cause one to appreciate moments of being still.  I always used to say that the birds singing sounded like the voice of God to me.  I still feel that way.  Even in moments of despair, morning would come, the birds would begin to sing and a wave of peace came over my heart. (In Psalm 30 it says that 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.")






My husband is away for another week and all is silent in the house other than my dog and my daughter's dog who I am babysitting.  I like the quiet, but as I wrote in my last blog, I am very pensive in times like this.  Again, I missed Murray so much last night.  As I was about to fall off to sleep I relived his last few minutes in my hands, and again I thought  how shitty it is to play God and euthanize someone you love so much. 

Okay, end here....a good place.  It's not even 6 a.m. yet so I will enjoy the rest of what is left of this inbetween time.  Love to you all.....and be kind to yourself.

Another Late Night Ramlbing

It's late and I'm sitting here finishing off a bag of pop corn.  I've had the last two days off of work and it's actually been nice.  Phil has been away on business and it's Lexy, Luke (Shauna and Shawn's little dog) and me. I tried writing last night but it was just rambling...I'll try again tonight, and if I ramble..then hey, I ramble. 

There has been so much change in my life over the last year that I think it's finally caught up with me.  I have time to sit, ponder, reflect and appreciate.  It hasn't been easy.  The moving part was, the physical change has been relatively smooth, but the catching up and decluttering, not just physcially, but emotionally and spiritually , has been a chore



Let's begin with the spiritual.  To depend on God, and on faith in God is simple when the rest of your life supports you with money, friends, family and health.  However, when all of that is in jeopardy, or even gone..then the challenge begins.  I used to never be concerned about money.  I knew we would always pay our bills, live well, and be prosperous.  And we were.  I also was and still am an adamant believer in paying tithes to God.  Tithes is when ten percent of everything you make is  turned back over, or given to God; usually to a local church.  Still, things have gotten a little strange financially since we've been out west.  Read any sort of statistic and it will tell you that the west was and still is being hit hard in this economic crisis.






 Fortunately I now have a job. For a while I wasn't so sure I'd find one.



Physically I have decluttered from a 3,000 square foot home to an 1800 square foot home.  It feels great!!!  It took almost a year, but I was able to do it and I feel so much lighter.  It's been a bit of an adjustment fitting even my most cherished belongings into this home.  My pottery collection, for example




...even though I've kept so many pieces, they just don't work now.  Lots of furniture was sold, little treasures were either sold or given away, and of course a lot of my wardrobe was given away.  I didn't wear most of the stuff...you know, just waiting until the right moment, or until I was able to fit into certain items again...Gone.

Emotionally I'm not sure decluttering would be the right word.  It seems almost disrespectful.  I still miss my Murman.





It's difficult fo me especially at night when I'm not able to sleep and my mind just runs amuck.



 He wasnt' in his new home even six months.  He was so happy here until his condition got worse.  I knew he was in constant pain unless he was drugged up on pain killers and anti-inflamatory meds.  There's not a day goes by that I don't recall his life leaving his body as his head sank into my hands.  God it hurt! Still does.  I don't think I'll ever really get over.  I'll just learn to live with it.

It's just after midnight and I'm looking at my beautiful home, dimly lit and freshly cleaned.  I am very fortunate to have this.  Some people don't even have a home....some don't even have a roof over their heads. I am grateful; the moment is peaceful and all is calm.  I love late nights alone, it causes me to be very pensive.



With that I'll call it a day.  I indeed, have rambled, but it is what it is. 

"The last stroke of midnight dies,
all day in the one chair
From dream to dream and rhyme to rhyme I have ranged.
In rambling talk with an image of air
vague memories, nothing but memories."
(William Butler Yeats)

Ramblings and Thoughts About Parents of Adult Children

I can't believe it... I wrote a whole blog on adult children and couldn't post it...






Well hey, I'll try it again. Sooo, what I was going to say is that there is plenty of stuff written about how to raise kids, certain characteristics of ages etc etc.  I don't see a whole lot on adult children so here's my take. Ready? Once a parent, always a parent. Even when our kids are grown adults, they're still kids to us.  In some ways.  I mean I can talk to my daughter and son about adult stuff...but there's this boundry that sort of says, "don't cross over, it's still my child."  You still feel their challenges, still cringe when you feel they've been hurt, or rejected.  You still feel this sense of pride when they've succeeded, when they're happy, when they've conquered their demons.



I may feel pride on their accomplishments and feel sad when they have failed, but I will always be proud of them  My goal for my kids, and always has been, is that they don't lose heart.  That they will grow spiritually, psychologically, and of course, emotionally.  I pray they will live life awake,  that they will be aware of each moment because there may not be another moment like this one. 

Life is strange and a crazy ride.  One thing I know for sure; it's about relationships.  It's about relationship with self and others.  Jesus was right when he said to love others as you love yourself.  I think he was the type of person who spoke to make you think deeper; to go a step further in your thinking and see  things in a different perspective.  A person really can't love others until one loves him or herself. It's true. Think about it.




Okay, well..I said much more in the previous blog..but it's late and I'll stop here.  Life is strange...it's fast and you only get one go at it.  I'm fortunate.  I feel like a cat with nine lives. I feel as if I've lived so many lives, so many places.



 I'm fortunate!  And now, of course, I'm a parent of grown children. That's a whole different ball game. You'd think more boomers would write about it.

Well..so it goes as Linda Ellerbee would say...take care and until next time...I still miss my Murman.