Dear Mom,

Tomorrow is your b'day.  I'm so glad that you were born for more reasons than one.  You were so amazing.  You taught me how to love, how to listen and how not to be self absorbed.  However, the last part, the self absorbed thing...well..I'm still working on it.

You were such a beautiful, sassy, amazing person. 

 I'm always in admiration of who you were and how you handled yourself.  I so wish I would have known you a little more, you know, from a different perspective other than daughter.  You were the rebel, although many people didn't see you as that. 

I did.  I listened to grandma tell me how whenever you were caught doing something wrong, and she wanted to spank you, she had to chase you; you ran.  Perfect!  Running away from impending punishment of a slap....perfect!!!  

I don't want to make this about how YOU affected MY life. Ya know??  It's not about that.  It's about you mom, and who you were.  You married my crazy father and boy did you rebel.  A Catholic girl marrying a Jewish guy?   What the hell were you thinking mom?  

That was the beginning of the end.  I know you used to tell me about your other boyfriends.  I loved hearing about them too.  I cant' say my kids want to hear about my old loves As a matter of fact..they don't.  But I did.  But I loved hearing about it and I loved knowing that you would have been perfectly okay without dad. 

 But you were'nt..but that's a whole nother blog right?

I miss you mom.  A whole lot.  

I used to call you because I left the town where I was born. Too many bad memories.  But you loved it there.  I'd call you alot and we would just sort of chit chat.  

And then, after you died, I had this dream, and in it you said to me, "Peggy, of all my children, I didn't want you to know."  

That sort of made me wonder.  When I told Debbie about it she said it made perfect sense.  I won't go into details, but you didn't want me to know how bad you were, how much you were suffering psychologically and physically.  And honestly, I didn't want to know. 

 Remember when you said to me that someday I would have a child just like myself?  Well I did..hope you're happy.  My son is a lot like me.  In any case though, I can understand where he's coming from

I digress...Mom..I love you so much and somehow I think you know it.  Somehow I feel you in the stars, when I'm lying in my hammock looking at the desert sky, I feel you.  I feel you other times too.  Sometimes, and this is really common, I feel you when I'm walking to my car.  I just walk and feel the alone-ness and then realize I'm not alone. That's when I feel you.

If you were alive right now I'd call that number and say, "Hi mom..happy birthday...how's it going?"  Such simple, everyday words.  But I cant do that.  I cant' call and use those everyday words and know that you'll hear them with your ears....

I just have to say it in this blog of mine, where I type so many of my gut feelings, my gut thoughts.

I love you mom...and God I miss you!!!!

Yours always, 

Pegala

In Defense of My Husband

My husband..ahhhhhhhhhh....my husband..rebel that he is I still love him after all of these years.  He knows exactly how to stir up shit and cause people to have their backs up.  When we were first married, I, in my naivete, didn't realize that he kept stirring the pot when the conversation died down concerning eternal security and predestination.  After all these years though, I realize his heart is in the right place..sort of.  


He challenged a woman on facebook who posted something about our veterans who sacrificed so much.  





And I totally agree with her post. The veterans are my heroes for sure.   However, sometimes our 
government, not our veterans,   has done some things that just aren't kosher, by any means. For instance giving our unknowing service men LSD as an experiment. 


For decades, the U.S. Army conducted secret clinical experiments with psychochemicals at Edgewood Arsenal. In the nineteen-sixties, Army Intelligence expanded the arsenal’s work on LSD, testing the drug as an enhanced-interrogation technique in Europe and Asia. This companion piece to “Operation Delirium,” which ran in the December 17th issue of The New Yorker, documents the people who were involved and what they did. http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2012/12/us-army-experiments-with-lsd-in-the-cold-war.html

 Yeah! That happened in the 60's and to this day it haunts me, just the fact that they did that. WHY???

This woman, who I have known for years and now have nothing to do with, told my husband  his comments (challenges) were "ridiculous".  Really? Now that is, by all true definitions, her opinion.  Now, it wasn't the post that I am talking about, it is this woman's  whole mindset.  This is the same woman, who professes to be God loving,( and I'm sure she is),that  scoffed at me when I told her that I realized what our youth group needed: love and acceptance just as they are.  Her response to that was so condescending that it stopped me in my tracks. That is when I began to question exactly where she stood spiritually.  Not that it's my job; it's not my job, but her words were so harsh and passive aggressive, that I decided not to bother any more because we were on a totally different path on our journey here in life.  






No, I'm not Mother Teresa, and I know that because I want to say to her "bitch".  



But how rude and unloving is that?  So, you see, my spirituality is far from perfect and perhaps, even though we are on totally different pages, we are probably equally as progressive .(or in this case, non progressive.)  So, here's to you ______ And did you realize you are so much like your mother?  

I'm also so happy it's Friday. 

Working Hard...Stressing Hard

I am honestly at my wits end.  I think.  Cloistered in the tight space of responsibility and stress, I sit in my hotel room eating too much eggplant parmesan and drinking way too much red wine.  

You would think I am blowing up like a baloon, but I'm not.  I eat and then feel so sick at my stomach from stress that I can't eat again for another 24 hours.  Did I mention that I don't like stress?  Well, I don't.  

But all of my little problems come into perspective in light of the Boston bombings.  It makes me lose faith in humanity. There you are all you people who begrudged me for believing in the goodness of people.  

Are you freakin' happy I've joined your depressingly negative, disgustingly self righteous, and finally hopeless perspective on people???  YOU COULD BE RIGHT...  That's what you tell me the bible says..That we are all shitty worms. Right???  Oh but we are made in the image of God...but still we are all shitty worms.  What does that say about God then?

Yet I believe that God is good.  And I believe we ARE made in his image. It's just difficult right now to see the forest for the trees.  Or something like that.  Today though, I had one of the nicest persons be so incredibly gracious with me in a time of fragile insecurity, that I felt like she really could have been an angel. Even the bible says, "be careful because you may be entertaining angels unaware."

 I look around me, in my own little bitty corner and see loving, compassionate people who will gladly lend a knowing smile, or a helping hand, or a word of encouragement.  Sometimes it's just a look, right into the center of my pupils, that I get from someone, and the look alone tells me they understand, they know.    

My husband thinks we can change the world through politics.  Hahaha.....laughable since he knows his history.  It just isn't going to happen.  We may get some laws passed that he likes and then he may claim that it changed the world for the better..that is until other laws are passed that he absolutely, totally disagrees with.  God love him!!! However, he too is right.  Laws HAVE changed the world for the better.  Not so long ago if you didn't have chalky white skin or a name that sounded like you were right off the Mayflower, some religions said that you didn't have a soul...that you were like dogs; no soul.  NOW, because of legislation, we know better.  We even now know that dogs have souls.  (Although deep in my heart, all those years ago when they taught that dogs didn't have souls,  I knew they were wrong. I was such a rebel!!!)  Okay, rambling here.  So, I just wanted to say that yes, my husband is right too.  

In the last week I have pictured myself just standing on a rock, maybe more like the top of a big hill..or even a mountain, and just screaming.  Just screaming this loud, blood curdling scream. Raw emotion!!!  

When I was young the church that I went to taught us not to trust emotions.  I say bull shit now.  I think they were just afraid of emotion because it's so powerful.  Maybe it could have been better if they would have taught us how to deal with it instead of repress it as being deceptive.  

Yes,............ on the subject of God.............I really think that is our hope..God, Love.  As a person that believes Christ is God, well, you don't get much more loving than Jesus.  He did change the world.  He did believe in US.  Why would he have died for us if he hadn't believed in the human race. 

Okay, I'm finished my stressed out, sort of down ish ramblings.  I wish you goodness from your fellow human.  Love and hugs to you all.  

Why do I always look for you? 



Why do I always feel your presence? 





 I try to tell myself how absolutely stupid and self centered it is to still be thinking of you after all these years.  I try to tell myself it's not about you, it's about me.  And maybe I'm right. 


Maybe I didn't see you walking over the hill, maybe I didn't see you in my dreams, maybe maybe maybe. 





 But it doesn't help my thoughts not constantly turn towards you; and all the questions that will never be answered.  



Why the hell is it that even when the phone rings I wonder if it's you.  




Oh my dear God, sometimes I really do think I'm crazy. 




 For years I felt like I lived a semi normal life without thinking of you so much.  But even people who knew me well, knew there was a shadow following.  Was it you?  Why do I still look for you?

Here is a long quote from the movie "waking the dead"...it describes how I felt when I realized my whole life changed: 

There's something that I think I should tell you all. I'm not feeling very well. And I haven't been for a while. Something inside me has jumped the track. I'm confused. I'm not thinking right. I'm not sleeping right. And I- Just don't think I am complaining about this or asking for your help. Because there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's just happened and that's all there is to it. But I don't know what I'm going to say from one minute to the next. I really don't. I don't know what I'm going to say and I don't know what I'm going to do. Do you understand that? And I know this is coming at a bad time for everyone but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm tired and I'm- I don't see things the way that I used to. Everything, everything, everything is fucking strange and it's all completely out of control and I'm frightened. And maybe if you all could give me some real help, you know? That would be- And not your pity or generosity but some help; Take a look at me. I know that I am ruining everything but I can't- If I don't say this now I may never say it. Everything is going very fast. It's going very, very fast. It's completely out of control. And if I don't say it today, tomorrow may be too late. I may be too crazy to even know how crazy I am. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Something has happened to me and I'm very lost. And it doesn't stop. It's not getting better. I don't get better. I'm not getting better. It's just going on and it's going on. And there's nothing that I can do about it. It's not stopping. It's not stopping. 

Sticking My Head In the Oven...(you know what I mean)

 Stress:  a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation


Ummmm..yeah!  That is what has been going on for the last two weeks.  Even the owner of my gym said I seemed "off" lately.  Off? Wow..she was gracious! "You seem like a BITCH lately" would be a more realistic way of putting it.  Like I said, she was gracious! 


So, I have  a lot of responsibility at my job lately and it will be over in a little over a week. Not my job, (hopefully) but this special element in my job that seems to be causing this stress.  




My administrators have put me in charge of a very important and highly confidential matter: state testing for students in another city. I am an old hippy, we do not like responsibility.  



I also have a lot of "artist" in me.  Which means I see the big picture.  Forget the details, just get the picture finished and express yourself is the way I do it.   However, this task that I am responsible for is not about anything other than a technical "to do list" and don't forget to make sure the students don't color outside of the bubble.  OIY!   

Yet for some reason the people I work for have the idea that I am very responsible and capable of doing the assigned task. Although there is a hippy side to me, and an artist side to me, there is this other side that has been buried for God knows how many years That other side of me really does like responsibility and really does enjoy travelling and really does enjoy a new adventure: at least I think she's in there somewhere.  


To make matters worse, I have a friend I work with who is so disgustingly cheerful and confident that it annoys the hell out of me. I even told her how annoying she is.  I hate that I did that, and even more, I hate it that I meant what I said!  Of course it didn't phase her, she just smiled and continued to talk about how perfect her life was, 
and how much she loved her boyfriend , (I got them together!!!) how much he loves her and how much fun she is going to have when she goes to her location which is eight hours away...I would HATE that...my location is half that distance.  I remember once, a long time ago, I was a chaperone on a youth trip with the church that I was attending.  A young girl and I were talking about how cheerful so and so was and she just said matter of factly, "I don't like happy people."  I know it sounds harsh, but I immediately laughed and told her I didn't either.   


Don't get me wrong, I wish happiness on most people.  But incessantly cheerful???  

Come on!  

Anyway, I'll stop with that right there. But for now, I will try my best to manage this stress and say all sorts of affirmations to myself.  You know the ones:  "I can do it", 




"I'm good enough, and smart enough and dog gone it, people like me". 

Those! 

I will also try extra hard not to take my stress out on the people closest to me.  


And maybe, just maybe I can order the new Sophie Kinsella book and pay extra for the one day delivery so that I will be able to have a fun escape after a full day of parents, students, and testing. I may also have a full bodied red to cuddle up with in my hotel room as I read the mindless book.

So for now dear readers..If you pray, pray for me, or if you don't pray, send good thoughts to me so that I don't break and totally do something I will regret. Love to you!!!

Monday Monday

Sunday..what can I say about Sunday other than tomorrow is Monday.



  It's late-ish and my husband fixed an amazingly low cal dinner (grilled tuna steaks, asparagus, and roasted sweet potato fries....See??)  Life is good. 

Tomorrow I begin my "new" assignment at  work...a different site.  I'll interject here that I have been spoiled working in my neighborhood.  I don't want to leave..but I must. 



 It's been extremely easy doing what I have been doing and I'm sure it will be just fine in the next assignment, but you know how "new" goes, especially when it refers to a job.


So, this blog is just going to be sort of random subjects.  Whatever comes to mind, will be written. 



 I am sooo grateful to live where I do.  The Sonoran Desert.  

A civilized desert mind you.  Not like the kind you see on tv when someone is lost and wandering in this vast, hot, crazy wasteland. 



But a stucco and tile roof type of civilized. 



 I love it!  I love waking up to the mountain outside of my window...and the birds chirping and NO SNOW...Yes, snow can be beautiful for maybe a week. And then it turns to grey, ugly slush.  Like a mood that is so depressed it becomes dangerous.


I am so grateful for my sister...she is such a joy to chat with when I'm lonely...that would be Debbie..my middle sister.  She is the best.  



Don't get me wrong, all of my sisters are a joy and the best.  But tonight, I had the honor of chatting with Debbie, just when I needed someone to just chat with. 


Make sense?

It was a busy Sunday today.  Washing the dogs and then having them hating and mistrusting me for it...cleaning like there is no tomorrow, and well....just being.  Being in the moment. Like now.  In the moment.  Windows open, husband in the leather chair doing his quiet thing on the computer, dogs sleeping, and me sitting at my gi-normous dining table typing my random thoughts.  

Monday Monday, can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how  could you  leave and not take me.