Thoughts and words from the heart

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dear Mom,

Tomorrow is your b'day. I'm so glad that you were born for more reasons than one. You were so amazing. You taught me how to love, how to listen and how not to be self absorbed. However, the last part, the self absorbed thing...well..I'm still working on it.

You were such a beautiful, sassy, amazing person.

I'm always in admiration of who you were and how you handled yourself. I so wish I would have known you a little more, you know, from a different perspective other than daughter. You were the rebel, although many people didn't see you as that.

I did. I listened to grandma tell me how whenever you were caught doing something wrong, and she wanted to spank you, she had to chase you; you ran. Perfect! Running away from impending punishment of a slap....perfect!!!

I don't want to make this about how YOU affected MY life. Ya know?? It's not about that. It's about you mom, and who you were. You married my crazy father and boy did you rebel. A Catholic girl marrying a Jewish guy? What the hell were you thinking mom?

That was the beginning of the end. I know you used to tell me about your other boyfriends. I loved hearing about them too. I cant' say my kids want to hear about my old loves As a matter of fact..they don't. But I did. But I loved hearing about it and I loved knowing that you would have been perfectly okay without dad.

But you were'nt..but that's a whole nother blog right?

I miss you mom. A whole lot.

I used to call you because I left the town where I was born. Too many bad memories. But you loved it there. I'd call you alot and we would just sort of chit chat.

And then, after you died, I had this dream, and in it you said to me, "Peggy, of all my children, I didn't want you to know."

That sort of made me wonder. When I told Debbie about it she said it made perfect sense. I won't go into details, but you didn't want me to know how bad you were, how much you were suffering psychologically and physically. And honestly, I didn't want to know.

Remember when you said to me that someday I would have a child just like myself? Well I did..hope you're happy. My son is a lot like me. In any case though, I can understand where he's coming from

I digress...Mom..I love you so much and somehow I think you know it. Somehow I feel you in the stars, when I'm lying in my hammock looking at the desert sky, I feel you. I feel you other times too. Sometimes, and this is really common, I feel you when I'm walking to my car. I just walk and feel the alone-ness and then realize I'm not alone. That's when I feel you.

If you were alive right now I'd call that number and say, "Hi mom..happy birthday...how's it going?" Such simple, everyday words. But I cant do that. I cant' call and use those everyday words and know that you'll hear them with your ears....