Why do I always look for you? 



Why do I always feel your presence? 





 I try to tell myself how absolutely stupid and self centered it is to still be thinking of you after all these years.  I try to tell myself it's not about you, it's about me.  And maybe I'm right. 


Maybe I didn't see you walking over the hill, maybe I didn't see you in my dreams, maybe maybe maybe. 





 But it doesn't help my thoughts not constantly turn towards you; and all the questions that will never be answered.  



Why the hell is it that even when the phone rings I wonder if it's you.  




Oh my dear God, sometimes I really do think I'm crazy. 




 For years I felt like I lived a semi normal life without thinking of you so much.  But even people who knew me well, knew there was a shadow following.  Was it you?  Why do I still look for you?

Here is a long quote from the movie "waking the dead"...it describes how I felt when I realized my whole life changed: 

There's something that I think I should tell you all. I'm not feeling very well. And I haven't been for a while. Something inside me has jumped the track. I'm confused. I'm not thinking right. I'm not sleeping right. And I- Just don't think I am complaining about this or asking for your help. Because there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's just happened and that's all there is to it. But I don't know what I'm going to say from one minute to the next. I really don't. I don't know what I'm going to say and I don't know what I'm going to do. Do you understand that? And I know this is coming at a bad time for everyone but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm tired and I'm- I don't see things the way that I used to. Everything, everything, everything is fucking strange and it's all completely out of control and I'm frightened. And maybe if you all could give me some real help, you know? That would be- And not your pity or generosity but some help; Take a look at me. I know that I am ruining everything but I can't- If I don't say this now I may never say it. Everything is going very fast. It's going very, very fast. It's completely out of control. And if I don't say it today, tomorrow may be too late. I may be too crazy to even know how crazy I am. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Something has happened to me and I'm very lost. And it doesn't stop. It's not getting better. I don't get better. I'm not getting better. It's just going on and it's going on. And there's nothing that I can do about it. It's not stopping. It's not stopping.