Working Hard...Stressing Hard

I am honestly at my wits end.  I think.  Cloistered in the tight space of responsibility and stress, I sit in my hotel room eating too much eggplant parmesan and drinking way too much red wine.  

You would think I am blowing up like a baloon, but I'm not.  I eat and then feel so sick at my stomach from stress that I can't eat again for another 24 hours.  Did I mention that I don't like stress?  Well, I don't.  

But all of my little problems come into perspective in light of the Boston bombings.  It makes me lose faith in humanity. There you are all you people who begrudged me for believing in the goodness of people.  

Are you freakin' happy I've joined your depressingly negative, disgustingly self righteous, and finally hopeless perspective on people???  YOU COULD BE RIGHT...  That's what you tell me the bible says..That we are all shitty worms. Right???  Oh but we are made in the image of God...but still we are all shitty worms.  What does that say about God then?

Yet I believe that God is good.  And I believe we ARE made in his image. It's just difficult right now to see the forest for the trees.  Or something like that.  Today though, I had one of the nicest persons be so incredibly gracious with me in a time of fragile insecurity, that I felt like she really could have been an angel. Even the bible says, "be careful because you may be entertaining angels unaware."

 I look around me, in my own little bitty corner and see loving, compassionate people who will gladly lend a knowing smile, or a helping hand, or a word of encouragement.  Sometimes it's just a look, right into the center of my pupils, that I get from someone, and the look alone tells me they understand, they know.    

My husband thinks we can change the world through politics.  Hahaha.....laughable since he knows his history.  It just isn't going to happen.  We may get some laws passed that he likes and then he may claim that it changed the world for the better..that is until other laws are passed that he absolutely, totally disagrees with.  God love him!!! However, he too is right.  Laws HAVE changed the world for the better.  Not so long ago if you didn't have chalky white skin or a name that sounded like you were right off the Mayflower, some religions said that you didn't have a soul...that you were like dogs; no soul.  NOW, because of legislation, we know better.  We even now know that dogs have souls.  (Although deep in my heart, all those years ago when they taught that dogs didn't have souls,  I knew they were wrong. I was such a rebel!!!)  Okay, rambling here.  So, I just wanted to say that yes, my husband is right too.  

In the last week I have pictured myself just standing on a rock, maybe more like the top of a big hill..or even a mountain, and just screaming.  Just screaming this loud, blood curdling scream. Raw emotion!!!  

When I was young the church that I went to taught us not to trust emotions.  I say bull shit now.  I think they were just afraid of emotion because it's so powerful.  Maybe it could have been better if they would have taught us how to deal with it instead of repress it as being deceptive.  

Yes,............ on the subject of God.............I really think that is our hope..God, Love.  As a person that believes Christ is God, well, you don't get much more loving than Jesus.  He did change the world.  He did believe in US.  Why would he have died for us if he hadn't believed in the human race. 

Okay, I'm finished my stressed out, sort of down ish ramblings.  I wish you goodness from your fellow human.  Love and hugs to you all.